Forgiving for Infidelity

“Forgiveness positions us to step into the palace to rule and reign.”

—Melinda Lagaay

I have ministered to hundreds of people, and the one thing I repeatedly observe is the need for people to forgive others. Unforgiveness is the biggest “destiny blocker” of all. Nothing will prevent us from stepping into our dreams like unforgiveness and bitterness.

I know this personally because I was betrayed by my husband when his affairs came to light years ago.

Have you ever been betrayed by someone closest to you? Maybe you feel like I did when my husband’s affairs came out, or perhaps you relate to Joseph in Genesis, who found himself in prison after being betrayed by his own brothers. I’ve experienced some of the most heartbreaking pain imaginable, and if you’re reading this, you may have experienced betrayal too. I’m here to tell you that no matter what you’ve been through, God will turn it around and use it for good.

Romans 8:28 says God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. It took me a long time to believe things could improve in my marriage when they seemed to get worse, but today, my marriage is better than I ever imagined. I now know nothing is impossible with God. The problem is, unforgiveness keeps us in a mental prison and prevents us from stepping into our dreams. We might be physically free, but we can still be trapped in unresolved pain, and I know this from firsthand experience.

Let’s look at the life of Joseph in Genesis to see how he stepped into his dreams despite betrayal by his own family. At 17, Joseph had two prophetic dreams where God revealed his destiny as a leader and ruler, but after the release of the prophetic dreams, everything in his life seemed headed in the opposite direction.

Shortly after God revealed his destiny, Joseph was betrayed by his brothers and sold into slavery.

I felt just like Joseph when my husband’s affairs came out years ago. I was devastated. I had been betrayed by my own family. But the amazing thing is, Joseph’s life shows what God can do through someone willing to forgive and live with a higher perspective.

I believe Joseph understood the impact his intentional forgiveness would have on his destiny when he chose to forgive his brothers. Thirteen years later, when his brothers came to Egypt seeking food, Joseph had been moved to the palace and he was now the second in command to all of Egypt. Upon seeing his brothers, Joseph had the opportunity to retaliate.

Have you ever wanted to retaliate? I get it—I have too! It’s easy to want to vindicate ourselves, but God wants to be our vindicator (Isaiah 54:17). Joseph’s response to his brothers shows he could be trusted by God to step into his dreams because he didn’t retaliate when he had the opportunity.

Let’s read the incredible interaction Joseph had with his brothers. This was the moment he revealed his identity—his chance to retaliate!

Joseph was powerful enough to order the death of his brothers. But here’s how Joseph responded to them: “‘I am Joseph!’ … whom you sold into slavery in Egypt. But don’t be upset, and don’t be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place. It was God who sent me here ahead of you to preserve your lives… God has sent me ahead of you to keep you and your families alive and to preserve many survivors. So it was God who sent me here, not you! And He is the one who made me an adviser to Pharaoh—the manager of his entire palace and the governor of all Egypt’” (Genesis 45:4–8).

Joseph understood that his years in prison were a setup by God to fulfill his prophetic destiny!

The key to Joseph’s breakthrough was viewing his brothers’ betrayal as a divine setup. He also knew his intentional forgiveness would save the generations. Joseph’s conclusion about his past, present, and future was that it was all orchestrated by God to prosper him and future generations.

When Joseph’s father passed away, Joseph had another opportunity to retaliate, but he extended mercy to his brothers when justice was due: “‘Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you? You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. No, don’t be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children.’ So he reassured them by speaking kindly to them” (Genesis 50:19–21).

Joseph had the heart and mindset of someone God could trust to lead. We can’t rule in the palace with a prisoner’s mindset. Bitterness keeps us in a mental prison. I love that Joseph refused to let his past circumstances define his prophetic destiny. I believe he knew bitterness would hold him back from his calling. God had big plans for Joseph, and he couldn’t let bitterness obstruct what God planned to do through his life.

Bitterness is a Destiny Destroyer

Bitterness literally prevents us from stepping into our dreams. I call bitterness a “destiny destroyer.” We can’t take the past into our prophetic destiny! The Bible says the word of the Lord tested Joseph’s character (Psalm 105:19), and he passed the test! His intentional forgiveness of betrayal created a massive breakthrough for him and his entire generational bloodline. Just like Jesus when faced with the adulterous woman, Joseph refused to throw stones at his brothers, extending mercy instead of judgment.

I was deeply betrayed by my husband when his infidelity and pornography addiction surfaced. I discovered his affairs through a text on Pieter’s phone. I was shocked and devastated, unaware he was unfaithful. You might recall a similar moment in your life. Yes, I was victimized, but I had to refuse to live like a victim. A victim mentality allows the enemy to rob us of our destiny.

In the weeks after the affairs surfaced, the Lord spoke to me about the generational impact of bitterness and unforgiveness. He said to my heart, “Melinda, bitterness is bondage, but forgiveness is freedom!” Hebrews 12:15 tells us that a root of bitterness defiles us. Bitterness is poison to our souls. The Lord said to my heart, “Melinda, forgiveness has the power to set an entire generation free.”

I had to ask myself: Was I willing to forgive what the world says is unforgivable?

I made the decision to be like Joseph, who essentially said, “I know what Pieter did to me, but I also believe God is going to use it for good.” Joseph focused on his prophetic words, rather than focusing on being a victim of his circumstances, and I knew I had to do the same.

I had a prophetic dream years ago where an angel was holding me and we were flying through the stars over Israel. I knew from the dream that God was calling me to the nations. When the affairs came out, I realized forgiveness would be a key to staying on course and unlocking my destiny.

Jesus said to forgive those who spitefully use us (Matthew 5:44). I believe Jesus' words were not just a command, but rather a grace being extended to us to do the same thing Jesus did while he was hanging on the cross. Jesus prayed to the Father and said about those who had crucified him, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."

Leading a Generation

Here’s how Joseph responded when his brothers thought he might retaliate after their father died: “His brothers then came and threw themselves down before him. ‘We are your slaves,’ they said. But Joseph said to them, ‘Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.’ And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them” (Genesis 50:18–21).

Joseph showed he could be trusted by God to lead a generation through his actions toward his brothers.

I want to be trusted by God in the same way.

Will we forgive so an entire generation can benefit, or will we hold bitterness toward those who have hurt us?

The Pardon of Forgiveness

The devil wants to destroy our destiny, marriages, ministries, churches, children, families, and relationships through bitterness and unforgiveness, but we can be like Joseph and understand that forgiveness is for the generations!

Forgiveness, as defined in Strong’s Concordance, is “a dismissal, release, pardon; releasing someone from an obligation and a debt. The excusing of an offense without exacting a penalty, a release from the legal penalties of an offense, an official warrant of remission of penalty, a royal pardon… excuse or forgiveness for a fault or offense.”

Forgiveness is issuing a pardon in the spirit realm by declaring, “I no longer hold you responsible for what you did to me.”

Joseph chose to release his brothers from all responsibility for their actions. The result was God promoting Joseph to a palace. Joseph was destiny-oriented, not past-oriented.

Jesus illustrates unforgiveness in the parable of the unforgiving servant, saying we’d be “delivered to the torturers” if we refuse to forgive (Matthew 18:34–35). Torturers are demonic spirits—unforgiveness invites torment into our hearts and minds! Bitterness is the manifestation of prolonged, untreated unforgiveness (Hebrews 12:15).

Forgiving for Infidelity

Forgiving Pieter was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but forgiveness set me free from demonic torment. It has allowed me to experience authentic peace, happiness, and joy. Forgiveness also allowed me to step into my destiny of helping others forgive for extremely difficult past situations. If I’d stayed bitter toward Pieter—unforgiveness would have robbed me of my destiny.

The beautiful part of my story is that God removed the pain from my past once I gave it to Jesus. We weren’t meant to live with unresolved pain. Though it was hard, I knew allowing Pieter’s affairs to linger in my heart would invite demonic torment. Forgiveness wasn't an obligation for me; it was freedom to my heart and mind.

I not only forgave Pieter but also the women he had affairs with, and I blessed them too.

Anyone who has affairs desperately needs Jesus’ mercy and grace. Forgiving infidelity may seem offensive until we realize we were all sinners before Jesus. We all need God’s mercy, love, and grace. Our Father sent Jesus to die to extend grace to the worst sinners. Pieter and I were the worst sinners, yet our merciful King saw a broken couple needing His grace, love, and mercy.

That’s what grace is—mercy when we don’t deserve it.

Our Enemy Is Not Flesh and Blood

Our enemy is not flesh and blood—our enemy is the devil, not people. The enemy tries use people to hurt us. Why does the enemy try so hard to enter a body? His only power is in human agreement. We can reclaim our power and authority through intentional forgiveness.

Forgiveness literally destroys the devil’s plans!

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful weapons available to believers in God’s kingdom, and the devil knows it. He hopes we won’t wield it as a weapon. Forgiveness isn’t just saying, “I forgive you,” or a feeling we stir up. It’s a pardon, dismissal, and release in the spirit realm.

Forgiveness destroys the enemy’s works and removes his legal right to harass us.

Forgiveness is more than releasing the person to Jesus—it’s dismantling the lies the enemy caused us to believe due to past events. When my husband’s affairs surfaced, I forgave him, but I didn’t realize I still believed lies about those events. The lies and vows (inner agreements) in my heart, were holding me back from God’s full plan for my life.

The lies I faced included: “You deserved what happened because of your past sins. God is withholding from you because of what you did. You must care for everyone else. You’re not a good Christian. You’re not a good wife.” Vows are tied to lies with a “therefore” attached, like, “I’m not a good Christian, therefore, God is mad at me and holding out on me.”

Lies and vows sound absurd when spoken aloud, but they often reside in our subconscious. They’re subtle, but the enemy wants us to feed on them because he knows the truth sets us free. Living under lies and vows limited what God could do in my life. The Lord said to my heart, “We can only have breakthrough at the level of our belief systems.” “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7).

Maybe, like me, you’ve been deeply betrayed or wounded. Perhaps that person can’t remain in your life because they’re dangerous. I’ve ministered to hundreds of people, and sometimes people cannot maintain contact with those who brutally abused them. I understand that we must establish safe boundaries, but what we can do is offer a pardon.

True freedom and peace come when we pardon those who hurt us the most.

Prophetic Word

Your intentional forgiveness is setting you up for a massive generational breakthrough. Your life will be marked with favor, blessings, and inheritance. Your forgiveness will create breakthrough for you and your entire generational line. You are a radical forgiver! You are a kingdom leader who will significantly impact the generations. Your intentional forgiveness is opening a door to step into your prophetic destiny!

Do you have someone you'd like to forgive? Sit with Jesus, your journal, and use the prayer below.

Forgiveness Prayer

1. Release and let go

2. Identify the lies

3. Identify the vows

4. Discover the truth

5. Renounce the lie and vow

6. Declare the truth

7. Turn the truth into a declaration!

Forgiveness Prayer

1. Release and let go: Jesus, I choose to forgive____________ for what they did to me. I release them to you.

2. Identify the Lies: Jesus, what lies were I caused to believe about myself (identity/purpose/ability statements) from this circumstance? What do you see, sense, and/or hear? You might see a picture or hear a word or sense something.

3. Identify the Vows: Jesus, what were the vows I agreed to because of these lies? (Vows are inner agreements). Example: I am never enough (lie), therefore I will stop trying (vow).

4. Discover the Truth through an encounter: Jesus, Your word is the truth and sanctifies me. What is the truth that you would speak into my heart over this situation?

5. Renounce (break agreement with) the Lies and Vows: Jesus, in your name and by your blood I renounce the enemy’s accusations and lies I believed when I said in my heart_____________________(state all the lies and vows).

6. Declare the Truth: I now choose to believe the truth of what you spoke when you said __________________________ (state all the truths - try to get several!).

7. Turn the truth into several powerful declarations! Here are a few examples: The Father loves me! I am powerful! I am anointed! I carry the love and power of God! I am in God’s perfect timing! My body is thriving! My mind is powerful and sound! I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me! I am worthy of love!

The most important part of forgiveness is the truth revealed! The past does not define your destiny. What is the truth you will believe and declare as you move forward?